How big is your Brave?

How big is your Brave?

Is it big enough to overcome a dent in your Good Enough?

This week, my Good Enough has taken a battering. I don’t say that because I want pity or lots of ‘woohoo you’re great, don’t be down’ comments. I say that because that is what I have learnt this week. This mum studies and this recent bout of studying has opened my eyes to a subject I have left untouched for a while. Me.

Learning about life

I am learning more about myself every day and I am finding you have to be pretty brave to go on a journey of self discovery. I have really been trying to notice my own thoughts and explore my reactions. Some of the time it brings things to the fore I would rather not think about or acknowledge, but hey, it’s all learning.

This week has reinforced to me that I do need recognition and it does matter to me what other people think.

This isn’t new to me. It is something I have known my entire life and something I have already written about (Blog post: Getting the bit of paper (or studying with the OU). I have always been eager to please. Why does that feel like such a bad thing to admit? Anyway, this year I have been exploring why I have this need and whether I am able to find a way to improve my self belief and be satisfied with my own approval. I’m not sure I’m there yet.

I get knocked down…

As if to prove the point a situation this week tested me. Without warning my self-belief crumbled and my Good Enough smashed into pieces on the floor and I stood there with my mouth open and tears streaming down my face.

I thought I had the situation. I thought I knew where it was going. I thought my self-belief was about to be rewarded. Instead it was shaken and my whole being defaulted to the ‘not good enough’ state. I am glad I was able to recognise it.

…and I get up again

But more than that, I was able to think about what I needed to do to get myself back in a good place before the real low hit. I needed to take control and I did. I took action. I stepped out of my comfort zone and made a bold move. And then, with the help of some bright yellow tights, a new green scarf bought from a favourite charity shop, a touch-up of my pink hair, some red lippy (and my sister), I stepped out and faced the world with more strength than I knew I had. The tear-stained echoes of the night before lost in the noise of my rainbow splashed nails.

And I reminded myself…

 

Meme with brave quote "You are enough. You are so unbelievably enough, it's hard to believe how enough you are"

 

So, what am I studying at the moment? I am studying computer networks. I am studying Google Analytics. Most importantly I am studying me.

I am a woman who seeks others approval.

I am a woman who is working on her self-belief.

I am a woman who works fiercely towards a goal.

I am a woman who needs others to recognise my work.

I am a woman who is reliable, loyal and honest.

I am a woman who feels deeply.

I am a woman who takes criticism badly.

I am a woman who reflects what I am feeling to others; both good and bad.

I am a woman who is finding her creativity at a depth she didn’t realise was possible and loving it.

I am a woman who likes to be in control.

I am a woman who is determined.

I am a woman with more resilience than I know or understand.

I am a woman who will keep trying.

I am a woman who perfectly imperfect.

 

We are all different. This is me. I am no longer a woman who will apologise for that.

 

***

Show me how big your Brave is…

This has been one of my favourite songs for years. I can only listen to it really, REALLY loud. Often I end up shouting it and more than once it has moved me to tears. I have needed my Brave for a long time and I have really been testing it this last year or so. Changing long-held beliefs is hard and takes courage. How big is your Brave?

November 16th, 2017 by