This has been One Of Those Weeks where I have felt like I am getting nowhere fast. Although I am speeding through this course, I really need to finish it before starting the Digital Mums Associate Programme in January. Now I have that definite date, it feels like I am not getting enough done, no matter how hard I try.
I feel a bit like I am running towards a mirage. Unit 22 is the oasis in the distance that never seems to get any closer. When I was on Unit 5, Unit 11 seemed months away. Now I am studying Unit 15 and Unit 22 seems years away.
Learning to crawl
I was having a good old moan to DH about this very subject as I changed Mini Cooper 3 and sat her down on the play mat. She immediately launched herself forwards, narrowly avoiding a face plant. She lay with her cheek on the floor and her legs tangled in front of her. Then she bounced back up and started fiddling with a toy. Over the next few minutes she did this again and again, until suddenly she gently unwound her legs and ended up on her tummy.
Never one for tummy time she lay still for a half a second before kicking her legs about. Her hands flat to the floor she pushed herself up, her legs still kicking manically behind her. She wasn’t upset, she was determined. She knew there was something she should be doing, but she wasn’t quite sure how to achieve it. She tried to roll one way then the other and then pushed up again before laying exhausted on the floor.
She looked like I feel.
And it struck me that I am learning to crawl. I am learning something I have never done before. I am taking a leap of faith that I won’t hit my face on the floor. I need to give myself the time to work through what I am doing, so I can learn it completely before rushing on to the next thing. I need to make mistakes and work out why something has gone wrong. Perhaps they aren’t mistakes, maybe I need to see them as challenges, as chances to learn.
Mini Cooper 3 isn’t about to give up on learning to crawl, and I am not about to give up on learning (even if it does make me want to lie face down, kicking and screaming alongside the 8 month old). Mini Cooper 3 is trying things out and she isn’t afraid to do so despite not knowing the outcome. She is brave. She isn’t going to be able to skip a step and move on to the next bit. She has to work through it, taking what she can from each new experience. Therein lies the lesson for me.
In the moment
There is so much happening in the Cooper world at the moment that my mind is always five minutes ahead, thinking about what needs doing next (note: This does not make my time-keeping any better). Worse than that, I can often be found thinking about what is going to happen over the coming months and years as the studying comes to an end and a new world opens up to us. After all, the Cooper Household is under reconstruction. Both me and DH are re-training, Mini Coopers 1 and 2 have started new schools. We are still a relatively new family of five. I have gone back to work. All of this makes it pretty difficult to feel satisfied with The Now. The moment I am in. The studying I am doing Right Now, and to see the little steps I am taking each day as part of The Big Picture.
It is amidst this whirlwind of learning and change that these words have spoken to me:
“There is no other time than now. We are not, contrary to what we think “going” anywhere. It will never be more rich in some other moment than in this one. Although we may imagine that some future moment will be more pleasant, or less, than this one, we can’t really know. But whatever the future brings, it will not be what you expect, or what you think, when it comes, it will be NOW too. It too will be a moment that can be very easily missed, just as easily missed as this one.” from Arriving at your own door by Jon Kabat-Zinn
And so it is that I will continue learning to crawl this week. I will try to stop thinking about the What Nexts and focus on the Right Now in the hope that satisfaction will be my motivation to get this studying done.